Postal strikes are actually quite a good thing, in our house anyway. Most of the post is not something I am over excited to see. Electricity/Gas bills, phone bills, council tax bills, but the thing that fills me with fear are wedding invitations. I liken it to having to see the dentist. You all know how that feels.
I really do not want to go, but it is difficult to get out of. They are long, boring ceremony and the equally long reception, that you have to sit through, mostly with strangers. I can always tell it's a wedding invite because the font on the envelope has so many swirls and curls it looks like your address was written out during a bumpy car ride.
I always try to get it into the bin before Susan gets wind of it. Getting rid of a wedding invitation is not as easy as you might think. The envelope is packed full of bits of glitter and gold hearts that stick to everything and when you open the envelope, it almost explodes the incriminating evidence all over you cloths, carpet and the dog.
Our Dyson vacuum cleaner is made of sterner stuff, has to pickup all the dogs hairs, so I vacuum all the evidence away. Empty the vacuum and empty the bin. You would think I am in the clear, no way, those stick bits of glitter have a supernatural ability to stick to the inside of the vacuum cleaner.
I recently tried this but Susan knew immediately what I'd done when she went to vacuum the lounge and saw the glitter whizzing round inside the Dyson like some kind of demented washing machine.
Don't get me wrong, I am not against marriage. If two people want to get married, only two at a time, let them get on with it. Why all the fuss? Helping Susan buy a new car is a big deal but I do not invite everyone I know to help me. That is my challenge and I relish guiding her through the obstacles and doubts, not to mention her reluctance to part with her money.
The world has moved into a technology era and I say let's embrace it, fill in a form online, ticking all the boxes, agree to the terms and submit. Instantly you will receive your confirmation email congratulating you on your happy marriage. Maybe this is something I should setup. Having a big fancy wedding does not mean you love someone more, it just means you want to show off to your friends and family how much money you have to waste.
As you are aware, I am not too worried what other people think of me. There is one blatant point I would like to make. I am very fond of a good cake but that wedding cake has never appealed to me, actually I have yet to find someone who is willing to eat it on the night.
I appeal to all that know me, send your wedding invitations to someone who is crazy enough to want to go and save me from glitter and exploding envelopes, not to mention the weird, frilly handwritten address.
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